You're One of My Friends

You are Courtney. You don't talk much in public and to strangers. Your world geography teacher is fascinated with you. When I first met you, I thought you were a little crazy because you talked about muffins, but then I realised you meant your cat. Take this quiz! Quizilla Join Make A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code

I'm really really all right with overlooking the whole kid thing.






I am so so so in like it's unbelievable.






I'm at a loss for words for how great I think boy is.






He is the bee's knees.






I am not a sappy person, but...






No one has ever made my face just utterly hurt because they make me smile so much.

You're right Courtney, those were the days. I was once a very very small part of the BraveJournal community.
I can't say I miss that though.


SO UM BOY = WONDERFUL AND I HATE THIS AND I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE THIS BECAUSE I CAN'T TRUST MEN AT ALL.
I mean, AHH I GENERALLY DON'T ABSOLUTELY GUSH ABOUT MEN BUT, like, wow. Seriously. Wow. I am wow'd by this person, despite the generic things he says to me that I shouldn't be falling for but I am anyway.

And now the (sexual) tension between us is gone thanks to Friday night. WEEE PERSONAL DETAILS.
This is srsly driving me CRAZY. I've probably never been happier to wake up next to a boy before. I FUCKING HATE THIS SO MUCH I AM SO LAME FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I am obviously afraid of relationships. But then again, how could I not doubt things? You know. You know about the babiez. And the fact that he's notorious for...stuff.

Sigh sigh sigh.

You know what's crazy? I've only made out with TWO BOYS this ENTIRE YEAR so far!
I am much less slutty than I once was. Like when I was fifteen. And sixteen. Goddamn.



Balls.

I'm giddy for a new male in my life. A very new male. Someone that I don't know much about. But HELLO I AM A SUCKER FOR ANYONE THAT HAS A SIMILAR TASTE IN MUSIC AS ME.

I mean, a shared love of Animal Collective?
Can we please just have sex already?

That is me kidding.
But, unfortunately, with my numerous issues with males, and the expected smack I hear about whoever I get involved with, I just...don't know.

There's an obvious mutual attraction. I mean, hell yeah, he's fucking hot. And I've been showered with enough compliments to believe that he thinks the same of me.

And that's really nice. I absolutely thrive off of male attention. It's not a good trait to have.

I wonder how my counselor will feel about new boy. Not that I really care about her opinion. I'm just quite curious.


My sentences are real real short.

Tell me, should I be put off by the fact that he texts me after we hang out? Or the fact that he graduated when I was a freshman? Or the fact that he's so attractive and smart and funny and likable that I'm sure there's other girly competition?



WHY AM I NOT ASEXUAL.


I don't know. I suck. Yeah. I REALLY NEED TO GO TO BED OKAY BYE.

Yes. I will name my baby Heather when I have it in four months, regardless of sex.

I've been in a crazy music listening mood lately. Explosions in the Sky has sounded fantastic, but I've never been much for instrumental rock.
And then the Pixies and the Smiths have sounded nice.
And I just bought the rest of a Weezer album! I don't know if this means anything to any of you, but it's weird and out of character for me, okay?



Man, I cannot deal with life.

I need to eliminate snacking from my fucking diet. I CANNOT STAND TO HAVE THIS EXTRA WEIGHT ON ME.
You may not shoot down my proclamations of weight gain. You don't know. You haven't noticed the reappearance of the muffin-top, or the extra layers I've been wearing.
But I have!
I COULD BE FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT AND I COULD BE HIDING IT FROM ALL OF YOU.

But I'm not, so it's cool.

Oh well, not a big deal. There's nothing permanent about weight gain.

So, here's the deal. Heather, in response to your last comment:
FINE I'LL SHOW YOU ONE DAY IN PRIVATE I WILL GET NAKED. OKAY!?

Either my crazy fat gain was the result of my rather unhealthy diet and compulsive eating habits or bloating, from either the fact that I'm about to start my period soon OR I'm becoming lactose intolerant, somehow.

Or maybe I just shouldn't eat cheese? Because just drinking ol' milk seems to be okay with me, but anytime I eat cheese, it's kind of actually catastrophic. Is cheese intolerance plausible?

I just do not know. The period thing is kind of likely, but I don't think I've ever blown up that much before. I am experiencing semi-intense mood swings though, which totally sucks considering I've been SO HAPPY lately. Sort of? Kind of? The drinking probably helps 'cause it's dumbing me down.

But then I thought about it some and I had a conversation with "definitely not my boyfriend" and then I cried. A lot. But right now I'm...really upbeat. You should see this text message conversation I'm having with "ex-boy thing BUT NEVAR MY BOYFRIEND." Lots of exclamation points.

OKAY SO NOW I'M LIKE CHEESE INTOLERANT AND A MANIC DEPRESSIVE!?! WHAT IS THIS CRAZINESS!?!





Ayyye!111!1

I don't remember when my last one was or else I could anticipate this one.

I do feel a cramp in my abdomen though.







I may or may not be on my way to developing a small drinking problem.



I I IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Well, whatever the hell happened Wednesday night (my last blog entry refers to it) doesn't matter.

After subjecting myself to an alcohol/narcotic binge on Thursday and Friday, dear god, I feel so much better about myself. It really makes no sense whatsoever, but slowly and surely I'm edging towards more and more self-satisfaction, which equals less of a need for self-destruction, which is like totally omg badass.

Physically, my body is probably dying, but mentally! I haven't felt this content with everything since...I don't remember when. Maybe June/July? I was pretty happy then.

Perhaps it was the constant inescapable thought that always occurs?

ANYWAY.

I feel a whisker under my chin. Holy hell, I just plucked out a gigantic hair! This thing is like an inch long! Maybe my dreams of growing copious bizarre facial hair will finally come true!



I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! MY THOUGHTS ARE REALLY SCATTERED RIGHT NOW SORRY.

I'm still freaked out by that hair. I don't feel any more anomalies growing on my face...

The time has come for a date with my tweezer. I am very attractive.

My subconscious has never been at such a state of unrest as to react like this.
Just a few minutes ago, I was asleep. And then I suppose the sound of my sister watching Thumbelina stirred me a bit, despite the fact that I fell asleep earlier to the sound of her watching the same movie. And then...I was a fucking moth. I was a goddamn moth and there were glasses of wine that COULD NOT BE FILLED but oh they were filling but disproportionally and I was CLAWING AND SCREECHING...and...I was not awake.
But I was clawing and screeching at a state of unconsciousness.
And that's fucking scary.

I believe there was some crying thrown in there as well.

I am not well. By no means am I well. It's almost (but not quite) a surprise. There are quite a few things on my mind that have been bothering me for a while. But for it to build and bubble and stack up like this is just...
What do I do?

Let me dissect these issues.

1) A certain best friend of mine suddenly has nothing to do with me, and I heard that he suddenly is over our friendship, basically, through "manipulative source of information #1," (MSoI#1). I make no attempt to communicate with him, because that is just what I do, but do mope and wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why I cannot hold a friendship when I have not done anything offensive to him. I suffer great heartbreak of the friendship kind that has never been so severe, and try to push such thoughts out of my frizzy little head and talk negatively of him and focus on moving on and getting over it. Alas, we shared the same place of hanging out on Saturday and then thoughts of him have resurfaced and then...a text message? Yesterday? What? And then again today, after attacking whilst under the hold of subconscious? And so then I almost broke down in sobs because hell I'm muthafuckin' batshit lunatic. Eh.

2) I don't have a best friend by any means anymore. I have close friends, but best? No. Not at all. I'm not used to it either. It's going to take a hell of a lot of more adjustment.

3) HER?! WHY HER?! IS IT BECAUSE I WON'T PUT OUT!?! Like honestly, I don't care that much. But...her? Come on! That doesn't even make me insecure!

4) Sometimes I feel as though I should give a shit about a certain "bitch ass ho-bag" but...eh. Still not affecting me that much. It does bother me when I know that hoez are gettin' together and be talkin' smack about me. Like that bothers me a whole fucking lot. It almost makes me want to be a better person...but not really. I'm much better at rationalizing the situation.

5) Close friends are dwindlin'.

6) I am not over my family trauma.

7) I am getting fat. Like real bad.







SIGH SIGH SIGH SHIT