My subconscious has never been at such a state of unrest as to react like this.
Just a few minutes ago, I was asleep. And then I suppose the sound of my sister watching Thumbelina stirred me a bit, despite the fact that I fell asleep earlier to the sound of her watching the same movie. And then...I was a fucking moth. I was a goddamn moth and there were glasses of wine that COULD NOT BE FILLED but oh they were filling but disproportionally and I was CLAWING AND SCREECHING...and...I was not awake.
But I was clawing and screeching at a state of unconsciousness.
And that's fucking scary.

I believe there was some crying thrown in there as well.

I am not well. By no means am I well. It's almost (but not quite) a surprise. There are quite a few things on my mind that have been bothering me for a while. But for it to build and bubble and stack up like this is just...
What do I do?

Let me dissect these issues.

1) A certain best friend of mine suddenly has nothing to do with me, and I heard that he suddenly is over our friendship, basically, through "manipulative source of information #1," (MSoI#1). I make no attempt to communicate with him, because that is just what I do, but do mope and wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why I cannot hold a friendship when I have not done anything offensive to him. I suffer great heartbreak of the friendship kind that has never been so severe, and try to push such thoughts out of my frizzy little head and talk negatively of him and focus on moving on and getting over it. Alas, we shared the same place of hanging out on Saturday and then thoughts of him have resurfaced and then...a text message? Yesterday? What? And then again today, after attacking whilst under the hold of subconscious? And so then I almost broke down in sobs because hell I'm muthafuckin' batshit lunatic. Eh.

2) I don't have a best friend by any means anymore. I have close friends, but best? No. Not at all. I'm not used to it either. It's going to take a hell of a lot of more adjustment.

3) HER?! WHY HER?! IS IT BECAUSE I WON'T PUT OUT!?! Like honestly, I don't care that much. But...her? Come on! That doesn't even make me insecure!

4) Sometimes I feel as though I should give a shit about a certain "bitch ass ho-bag" but...eh. Still not affecting me that much. It does bother me when I know that hoez are gettin' together and be talkin' smack about me. Like that bothers me a whole fucking lot. It almost makes me want to be a better person...but not really. I'm much better at rationalizing the situation.

5) Close friends are dwindlin'.

6) I am not over my family trauma.

7) I am getting fat. Like real bad.







SIGH SIGH SIGH SHIT

When life is good and people smile, the death above goes on a mile, and when you get what you want, a big black hole is created.
It's those haters. The ones who put you down, the ones who want their way, but like we say, they can hate but respect.

I was going to say something, but that L2L quote really took me back. Wow. That's the American Dream right there. L2L. Logic at work. Hotdamn.

Anyway, I also feel sort of batshit crazy recently, but mostly I just sleep all the time and isolate myself. Friendships suddenly feel like SO much work. Damn. Also, today was just generally...upsetting. Well, I miss hanging out with you and stuff. And I also miss when we used to talk on IM everyday. I feel so out of the loop.

Fariha, I think you are a sexy monster and one day we should make babies.